Shepard's Big Galactic Adventure!
by Radi0.Hazard
Summary: Shepard attempts to keep her cool amidst a crew of bland biotics, zealous xenophobes, communist Quarians with a tendency to point out the obvious, MORE bland biotics, a vigilante police officer who hates red tape, and a lizard. Rated M for sexy references
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is technically my first fanfiction, but not my first writing experience. I am an accomplished roleplayer (for the love of all that is holy, somebody roleplay Mass Effect with me, I'm as desperate as a celebrity who has fallen out of the public eye), so I've got some writing experience underneath my belt. About three years of it, in fact. Now, while you're reading this, you'll probably encounter quite a few penis jokes. I deliberately injected these phallic references in order to make a commentary on the way Fox News brutally attacked Mass Effect for having one mild sex scene, which was about as vivid as something I see on TBS. Seriously, you guys, have you watched The Terminator? That sex scene was way more vivid, and that was a movie.

Oh, right, the disclaimer! I don't own Mass Effect, Bioware, Microsoft, or anything. I don't really own these characters either (though you could make the claim that I partly own Shepard, at least appearance-wise)

**Massive Effections**

While men and women busied themselves about their various affairs, an intellect—cool, vast, and unsympathetic—regarded the Earth with distasteful and critical eyes. Shepard continued to look out the window at the planet in a very dramatic manner; she was completely oblivious to the conversation about her that was cleverly happening off-screen. "Well… What about Shepard?" One voice suggested, with an accent that made you want to punch somebody in the face. "She's a criminal! Criminals are _hot._" Another voice added, "She grew up on the streets—probably standing on a street corner, _pretending_ to give directions every time a cop passed by. Her parents died, and she was an orphan. _What a surprise!_" "I guess that would explain why she got most of her unit killed," Bishop—I mean, another voice said. "But I thought the official story was a thresher maw attack?" The annoying first voice said. "That's the official story, but only a full-blown retard with an I.Q. less than a pineapple believes the official story." A pineapple immediately exited the room, muttering, "I take offense at that remark." However, the pineapple was soon forgotten, and the conversation continued.

"This is the kind of woman we need," The third voice said. The second voice replied, "Exactly. If we're gonna keep the morale up, we're going to need a woman who knows how to have a _good time_." There was a pause; then, the third voice replied, "That's… not quite what I meant." The second voice sighed, "Oh, shut up, Bishop." The first voice added, "Yeah! Shut up! I want to get laid!" At that, the second and third voices laughed loudly and obnoxiously. "Don't kid yourself! You're a politician, and politicians never get laid. That's why they're in politics," The third voice said. "Besides, we need Shepard because she gets the job done—no matter the cost." The second voice replied, "Yes, I know. She used up half our military budget just to apprehend a smuggler by the name of Han… Single, was it? Solitary? Alone? On-his-own? More or less like that." "Yeah, well, I'd rather have a big spender than a greedy Jew—" "Hey, hey, _whoa!_ Where did _that_ come from?" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I—I know, I need help." There was a pause, and then the other two muttered their agreement. An awkward silence seemed to drag on, and then the subject was changed.

"Anyways, we need Shepard. She's the only one who can protect humanity. Well… Except maybe Superman. But after his latest movie, ehhh… I don't think we want him representing us." There was yet another murmur of agreement, and then a squeaky, novelty gavel banged on the table. "Then it's settled! Shepard will do something awesome for us, while we watch. I'll make the call." There was a loud beeping, followed by the first voice asking, "HELLO?! I—I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I THINK YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL—WHAT?! YEAH, YEAH, TELL MA I'M FINE." Before things could get any more embarrassing, the camera cut to a blank screen, which was filled with a bunch of words that nobody really wants to read. Nonetheless, here they are:

In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. Everybody agreed that these aliens must have had some pretty big balls in order to harness a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time.

_They called it, "Probably the biggest wing-wang that we've ever seen, ever. Seriously guys, this is like a grade-A Hebrew National."_

_The civilizations of the galaxy call it… (with an ellipses for dramatic effect)_

_**MASSIVE EFFECTIONS**_

A very cool looking title flashed on the screen, before not-so-subtly fading away from the screen, revealing the edge of a planet with a large but generic light source behind it, which faded away before you could even get a good look at it. Nice, Bioware. Suddenly, the scene cut to Jupiter, which still had that big, giant, ugly, nasty pimple on it. "Ewwww!" A live studio audience proclaimed at the sight of it. Seriously, guys, shouldn't somebody pop that thing? Thankfully, a ship shot across the screen, obscuring the blemish from view. Meanwhile, Shepard made her way up to the bridge, pushing anybody who she didn't like (and believe me, the list was long) out of her way. Her dark skin had a dull shine underneath the fluorescent lights, along with her red hair. Now, how somebody with skin as dark as hers got red hair, I'll never know. I assume it's not natural—but then again, it's the future. Who knows what genetic experimenting has brought us? Apparently, it's brought us black redheads. At least she's not a stepchild too.

Seth Green—I mean, Joker, said something along the lines of, "Blah blah blah technobabble blah blah insert joke here!" Seriously, who listens to this part anyway? Then, the ship shot past Neptune. "Oooooh!" The audience proclaimed, leaning in to stare at the pretty blue planet. Meanwhile, Shepard pushed past her racist XO officer, who muttered something derogatory about the hanar. Why? I'm not quite sure, he's probably a little senile anyway. The ship suddenly shot past Uranus, much to the audience's laughter. "Hahahaha! Haha! It's a planet named after your anus!" They giggled, sounding exactly like pre-pubescent schoolgirls. "Really classy, guys!" Shepard called out, as she made her way up to Joker. The ship zoomed past Pluto, and the audience let out a few boos and called the planet—oh, sorry, _dwarf_ planet a few mean names. "You suck donkey balls!" One audience member cried out. To that, Pluto replied, "No, _you!_" However, the solar system was soon left behind, as the ASS (Alliance Star Ship) Normandy rapidly approached the Massive Erection—I mean, Massive Effection relay that lingered just outside the edge of the solar system. Shepard looked out the window at the looming leviathan, and muttered, "That is _definitely_ sexual. Look at that thing!" To that, Joker replied, "That's nothing, I've seen bigger." Shepard smiled at Joker, revealing bright white teeth. Then, she smacked on the back of the head. "Like _yours_, Joker?" She asked, already knowing the answer. Joker stared at his useless feet, and muttered, "Well, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the drive core." Shepard shrugged, and replied, "Truth."

"But it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat."

And with that, the ASS Normandy moved along side the Massive Effection relay. Tendrils of what could best be described as electricity lashed out onto the hull, accelerating the ASS past lightspeed.


	2. Honey, I Broke the Beacon

Author's note: This chapter is a lot longer, and I know you've been waiting patiently since yesterday. In fact, this is probably the most important thing you've ever waited for. THAT'S HOW PATHETIC YOU ARE. No, just kidding, I love you, read and review.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in Mass Effect. They are the property of Bioware and Microsoft. DAMN INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY. D:

Joker muttered quietly to himself like the mad cripple he was, his fingers blurring against the surface of the keyboard. "Internal emission sinks, engaged..." He murmured amongst the rest of his undecipherable technobabble. "Drift--" He was suddenly cut off as Kaidan asked him, "What's your high score on Asteroids?" To that, Joker paused, before hesitantly muttering underneath his breath, "Just under 1500 K." Nihlus, who had been standing behind Joker all of this time in a very creepy and unnerving fashion, scoffed and remarked, "1500? You suck at this game, even for a human. Your commander will be displeased with your stunning lack of progress, you useless cripple—" Kaidan held up his hands. "Whoa-ho-hoooo! I think this situation is becoming a little tenser than it has to be. Nihlus glared at the biotic for having interrupted the conversation, and lifted one of his three fingers (two fingers and a thumb, if you want to be nitpicky) in a rough imitation of a common human gesture. Apparently, some things extend beyond species boundaries. Satisfied that he had effectively shut Kaidan up, the Turian spectre turned briskly on his heel and left the room—looking like he was on a mission, of course. As he left, Joker finally retorted with a witty comeback: "No, _you_ suck at this game!"

By now, however, Nihlus was out of earshot—or whatever it was he had that passed for ears. With Turians, who really knows? Joker, satisfied that he had owned that little noob, spun around in his chair to face the keyboard again. "I really hate that asshole. Maybe it's just because I'm an asshole too, and as Highlander says, _there can only be one_," Kaidan stared at him, and then remarked, "You're paranoid! The council sponsored this project with their money—_which they totally didn't get through illegal means_—so they have a right to check on it, using their secret government agents." Joker shrugged, and then replied, "Yeah, I get that part, but I'm wondering why they had to send an _asshole_ to check up on it. Besides, spectres are trouble. They're like the KGB agents of the citadel. And I hate commies," The paranoid cripple remarked, his fingers tapping against the keyboard at over 160 words per minute. It almost sounded like machine gun fire. The two of them did not notice that Shepard, much like the Turian spectre (Oh, foreshadowing?) had quietly remained at the back of the control room. She took one look at Joker's screen, and frowned. He was cybering, _again_. "Quit your chatting, you two! And Joker, zip your pants up! It's not like you're going to be using that thing any time soon!" She demanded, averting her eyes from the pilot's open fly. If Joker still had control of his legs, he would have jumped out of his seat. "Uh, uh, yes Commander!" He replied loudly, fumbling with his pants. Then, an angry voice crackled over the radio (Crackling? In _my_ futuristic radio? It may be more likely than you think!), "Joker! I need you to use your epic hack-sing skills in order to tap into one of those communications buoys for us." Joker blinked, and then closed out of his chat window, before opening a chat window with the communications buoy.

"You okay, sir? You sound kind of angry. And I'd hate to make you more angry, but that cockmongling Turian spectre is heading your way," Joker advised, a smug smile on his face as he bathed in the pride of warning the captain. There was a slight pause on the other end of the radio; then, a flurry of two voices could be heard. One was obviously Captain Anderson's, and he was obviously not pleased. "You bumbling fool! He's already here, and now he's pissed off!" The other voice was definitely a Turian's voice, from all of the loud roaring and hissing. "Rawwwwr! I am not pleased with the current chain of events! I'm gonna kill that cripple when I get the chance! I'm gonna break his legs—Oh, wait. Right… Just send Shepard over here," Nihlus demanded with an explosive sigh, before cutting off the communications link. Shepard sent a glare at Joker that could probably tear a hole straight through even the toughest metals. "Thanks a lot, Joker! Now I'm going to have to deal with that! You and your crazy, crippled shenanigans!" Joker shrugged and grinned sheepishly, but his grin disappeared as Shepard remarked, "I'm going to help them break those legs of yours. Not that they'll need my help to break those toothpicks anyways." Joker slumped back down into his chair in an attempt to hide himself, while Shepard turned and made her way out of the control room.

On the excruciatingly long walk (long walk is looooooong) between the front of the bridge and the back of it, Shepard encountered XO Pressley once again. He was either talking with himself, or arguing with someone over the radio. It's hard to tell with a guy as senile as him. Shepard, being the inquisitive judge of character that she is, immediately remarked, "You don't trust Nihlus, do you?" Pressley shrugged and replied, "He's a Turian. He's probably here to… you know, steal our jobs and such. Maybe I'm just stuck in the old ways of thinking—" He was cut off from his racist mumblings as Shepard pointed at him dramatically and roared, "Take him back to the reeducation camp! Also, cut his balls off, the testosterone is making me queasy! Not to mention, we can sell the testicles to Krogans!" At this point, a black man with blonde hair carried Pressley away. And an eye patch. What a crazy appearance, huh? "You're a nazi, man! You're a freakin' nazi!" Pressley's screams terrified some of the bridge crew for a few moments, but Shepard's harsh glare made them immediately return to their work. "Humph," The woman muttered, before turning and goose-stepping her way over to the warrior Leeroy Jenkins, who was engaged in a conversation with Dr. McCoy—I mean, Dr. Chakwas. Wait, what the hell kind of name is Chakwas? That's stupid.

"You think we're gonna encounter any action on Eden Prime, ma'am?" He asked Shepard as she approached them. "Action or not, you're going to get shot by somebody," The woman remarked. "Fuck yeah!" Jenkins whooped. Dr. Chakwas sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose. "You know, Shepard, your incessant need to shoot your own men usually results in a med-bay full of patients for me to take care of," The crusty old bitch said. Shepard glared at her, and replied, "You're not my _real_ mom! I can shoot whoever I want!" To demonstrate this, Shepard pulled out her pistol and fired a round into the kneecap of the blonde-haired soldier who had just dragged Pressley away. "You suck!" The soldier cried as he crumpled to the ground. "No, you," Shepard muttered, turning back to the pair that was standing there. Chakwas seemed horrified, but Jenkins was hopping up and down like a toddler. "That was so cool! You're so awesome, commander! I wanna have your babies!" He exclaimed. "Maybe another day," Shepard sighed. Jenkins whined, and then continued, "Hey, you guys wanna hear my battle cry? I've been perfecting it for quite a while." The warrior cleared his throat, and opened his mouth. "LEEROOO—" "Yes, yes, that's very nice," Shepard replied, pushing past him. "But I've got things to do, people to screw, so you'd better get out of my way," She told him as she made her way to the communications room. Nihlus was already there waiting for her, with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other.

"Where's Anderson?" Shepard asked warily, glancing around. Her nostrils flared at the stench of testosterone, and she sent a glare in Nihlus's direction. Nihlus shrugged, and then clipped the cigar with his own teeth, because he was really fucking hardcore. "He's not here right now. I wanted to talk to you, Shepard, man-to-man—I mean, alien-to-man. Wait, no, alien-to-woman. Yeah, that's it," He muttered. Shepard swiped the bottle from him, and downed it in one gulp, because she knows how to _swallow_. Oh, _snap!_ Nihlus twitched, and then continued, "This world we're going to: Eden Prime. I heard it's quite a beautiful world. A paradise, if you will." Shepard shrugged. "Yeah, I heard it's pretty faggy too. But what are you gonna do, eh?" Nihlus ignored her previous statement, and asked, "Is the Alliance truly ready for this?" Shepard nodded and replied confidently, "Fuck yeah! We're manifesting our destiny, bee-yotch! Manifest destiny! Manifest destiny!" Nihlus's eyes widened, and he asked himself, "What do they teach these humans in schooling?" Shepard tilted her head innocently, and replied, "They taught us that turians had superpowers, like flying and laser vision and stuff, and that your main goal as a species is to de-virginify all of the females in the galaxy." Nihlus winced, because the last part wasn't too far off. "Yeah, I know, our public education could use some work," Shepard admitted.

Finally, Captain Anderson stumbled in. "I think it's about time we tell Shepard what's really going on here," He remarked. Shepard blinked, and asked, "Wait… So this wasn't a romantic dinner? You disappoint me, Nihlus!" She punched him in the shoulder, and a single tear rolled down Nihlus's face. "Your words hurt me more than your actions ever could." Anderson, who hadn't been paying attention at all, ordered, "Stop your crying! This is bigger than both of us! The last time humanity made a discovery like this, we gained awesome new technology that allowed us to destroy the Venusians!" Shepard asked, "Wait, there are people on Venus?" "Not anymore, we glassed the fucking shit out of that thing!" "So that's why it's so sparkly now!" "Yeah. Oh, I also forgot to tell you, Shepard: You're being considered as a spectre, because you used your entire unit as meat-shields when the thresher maws attacked you. Nihlus heard about this, and he thought it was pretty badass, so he wants you to join his club." Nihlus smiled, and hopped a foot in the air. "My super-duper cluuuuuub!" Shepard crossed her arms, obviously distrustful of all of this. "I still get to kill things, right?" "Of course. This will feed your lust for death unlike any occupation you've ever had before. Even the one at the DMV." "Oh, I'm in."

Seth Green's annoying voice suddenly patched. "Hey, Captain! Look what I found on YouTube while I was searching for porn!" The view screen activated, and what could best be described as a blur of motion that would make even _Cloverfield_ fans nauseous appeared on screen. "Pretty hot, huh?" Captain Anderson narrowed his eyes, and ordered, "Joker, freeze at 38.5! No, wait, 38.7!" The video played backwards, finally coming to rest on a frozen frame. "Look at that, that is _really_ sexual! It's big, and long, and hard!" Shepard commented, pointing at the squid-like ship on screen. "And what are all of those things dangling from it! Jesus, it's like a wing-wang with dongs dangling from it! That's like something I'd find in one of those perverted Japanese comic books!" Nihlus shrugged, and remarked, "If you think that's sexual, wait until you play the rest of this game."

Anderson glared at Shepard, and then said, "That's exactly why you're being sent down there. Get Jenkins and Alenko. Nihlus will come too, because he's been a good boy today and deserves to get some playtime outside." Nihlus's mandibles spread apart in the imitation of a grin. "Yippee!" He cried gleefully, skipping out of the communications room. Shepard skipped after him, yelling, "Wait for me!" Anderson turned to the screen, and stared at it critically. Then, he ordered, "Joker, bring up some porn. And none of that Japanese hentai stuff, I want the real thing." "Sure thing, Captain!" Joker replied, the sound of his zipper un-zipping echoing over the channel for the entire ship to hear. The ship angled down towards the planet, finally hovering quite a distance above a clearing. "You coming with us, cutie-pie?" Shepard teased Nihlus. Nihlus giggled, and replied, "Naaah, I die faster on my own!" Shepard blinked, and asked, "What?" But it was too late, as Nihlus jumped out of the ship. "Say, wait a minute… Joker?" Shepard asked, staring out of the doorway that lead outside. "Yeah?" Joker replied. "How are we gonna get down from here?" Joker sighed explosively, and muttered, "We'll just use a cutscene! Jesus, do I have to do _everything_ around here?"

Before Shepard could ask what a cutscene was, she found herself on the surface of the planet with Kaidan and feared warrior Leeroy Jenkins. Leeroy immediately pulled out his gun, firing a few rounds into the poor floating creatures that really didn't do anything except float. "Yeah, alright, time's up, let's do this!" He exclaimed, sprinting across the clearing. "LEEROOOOOOOOOOY JENKIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!" Kaidan and Shepard both cried out for Jenkins at the same time, right before a flying drone shot down the unfortunate soldier. "Goddammit, Leeroy!" Kaidan cried. "Still, you've got to admit that was a pretty good battle cry," Shepard commented, bowing her head in respect for the fallen warrior. "Now, let's go kick some ass and chew bubblegum." "But we're all out of gum, Commander!" "Precisely."

After an epic battle to end all battles, the last drone exploded into a shower of rainbows and candy. Dozens of small children rushed forward from the trees to scavenge from the fallen drone, but Shepard pushed them aside as she advanced through the forest. Finally reaching another clearing, she pointed at a woman peering over a boulder at a pair of robots, and cried, "Hey, look! It's another human, I think!" The robots immediately glared over in their direction—Well, as much as you can glare when you have a flashlight for a head. "Oh, shit!" The other woman remarked as the robots advanced towards her. "Save me, Jesus!" A deep, heavenly voice replied, _"I only help those who help themseeeeeelves! Unless you have a credit card."_ One of the robots turned to its companion, and asked with a heavy lisp, "Which one do you want?" The other replied, "I'll take the black one, with red hair—" Before a sniper round cracked its flashlight head open. "Mark? Mark! Maaaaark!" The robot cried, before it was slammed into a boulder by four shotgun blasts. "Shiiiit! That's right! The Veil is back the way you caaaaame!" Ashley said. Shepard scoffed, and replied, "I killed mine better. But what are these things, anyway? You said something about a veil? A curtain? An _iron curtain?_" Ashley replied, "They're Geth. Quarians used them for cheap labor, kind of like illegal immigrants. But then the Geth unionized, and nobody's seen them ever since." Shepard crossed her arms skeptically, and asked, "Oh, really?" Ashley nodded. "Yeah, really." "No way!" Kaidan exclaimed. There was an awkward pause as the three of them considered dragging on the conversation by just repeating those three phrases, then decided against it. "So, um… Me and Carth Onasi are gonna go check out that beac—" Kaidan held up his hand. "Shepard, you're having flashbacks again." Shepard winced, and apologized, "Yeah, sorry, wrong game. Anyways, Alenko and I are going to go check out that beacon. See you later—" Ashley lunged forward and latched onto her leg. "Wait! Take me with you! I'm bored, and there's nothing to do! Help!" Shepard sighed explosively, and pried the soldier from her leg. "Fine, you can come. But remember, I'm the one who wears the pants in this unit. Bitch."

After more epic battles, they eventually came to where the beacon was found. "Um… What duh eff?" Shepard asked, looking around. "Where the hell is it?" "The Geth must have taken it!" Ashley stated. Kaidan rolled his eyes, and replied sarcastically, "No, it was two midgets dressed in plumber's outfits with Italian accents!" Shepard lifted her fist, and roared to the heavens, "Goddamn those Mario brothers! Damn them to hell!" Another heavenly voice replied, _"Eh, I'll think about it."_ They all agreed that they would need to search for the beacon again, and after more battles—this time with cybernetic zombies—they finally got a chance to rest. A lone gunshot could be heard, and Shepard lifted her head curiously. Nihlus's voice cried out, "Ah, what duh eff, Saren?! You shot me in the spine! I'm permanently disabled! Thanks a lot, you jerk—" The voice was cut off by five more gunshots. "You've hit everything but my head!" A loud whack could be heard, followed by a clattering as a bloody crowbar (the deadliest weapon in any game ever made) fell to the ground. "Hmm… Meesa thinking we should check-a dat out!" Ashley exclaimed. "Shut up, Ash-hole! Nobody likes you!" Kaidan and Shepard both stated at the same time, before giving eachother a high-five. "Fuck yeah!"

Shepard, Kaidan, and Ashley advanced through waves of cybernetic zombies and synthetics (though Admiral Bishop prefers to call them "artificial persons", never mind that synthetics is actually more politically correct), finally finding a dockworker that they could interrogate—and in Shepard's case, beat up just for the hell of it. "I already told you what happened! Saren tried to kill Nihlus, it was really messy, and he ended up having to use the crowbar!" Shepard hissed, "We know, we heard it! We just wanna know where the beacon is." The dockworker tilted his head, and repeated, "The beacon? That dusty old thing? The Geth took it away on their choo-choo train." Shepard punched the dockworker in the crotch a final time, and muttered, "Then it is settled. We must find our own choo-choo train, and pursue them!" And they did find a train—but unfortunately, it didn't travel back in time like the one from _Back to the Future Part III._ Kaidan was very disappointed at this.

A single Geth glanced back and forth as it stood in front of the train tracks. There was not a train in either direction… Good. That meant he could safely cross over the tracks in order to plant the detonation charges on the other side. Confidently strutting across the tracks, the Geth casually glanced to his right—only to see the front of a train rapidly approaching him. "Son of a bitch!" The Geth exclaimed, before being flattened on the front of the train like a bug on the grill of a truck. "Sorry, our bad!" Ashley cried out to him. Then, the trio of humans proceeded to shoot the shit out of anything and everything that moved. "What duh eff? What duh eff?!" The Geth forces exclaimed as they were cut done and blown apart like leaves. Shepard left Kaidan to disarm the sex bombs, while she and Ashley checked the beacon out. "Oh, come on!" Shepard exclaimed at the sight of it. "It's a freaking vagina! See the rift, and how it sucks everything into it! Jesus, is this entire universe centered around intercourse?" Kaidan ran up behind them, asking, "Hey, what's that thing? Can I have sex with it?" And with that, he rushed forward towards the gaping rift. "No, don't do it! It's a trap, and it probably has diseases!" Shepard ordered, rushing forward and knocking Kaidan out of the way. She felt a force—like a hand squeezing around her—lifting her up into the air, before she felt an excruciating pain. Her nerves felt like they were on fire, and rapid images cycled through her mind. It was the craziest acid trip she had ever been on. Then, as quickly as it had started, the beacon exploded. Why? No one knows, but it did anyway. With a loud grunt, Shepard was knocked to the ground, going out cold the moment her head smacked against the ground.


	3. Hot Turian Tail

The world was spinning out of control, and Shepard had no idea how to stop it

Author's Note: Yet another chapter for all three of my wonderful reviewers. XD In the spirit of responding to my (small) fan base, I'll respond to your reviews in the order I got them in.

Mr.Ewok: Thank you! The pop-culture and Internet meme references are practically the core of my fanfic, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

Case Dawgz: I'm glad to know that the references are pleasing you. XD I won't have any Bishop references in this chapter, but I've got one in mind for later on in the story!

Shoemy89: XD Haha, maybe. Yeah, you'll get a little stronger anti-Fox News taste in this chapter. And along with more memes, if I can fit any. By the way, expect some more Arby and the Chief references too.

The world was spinning out of control, and Shepard had no idea how to stop it. "Oh, no… No…" Visions plagued her mind, horrifying visions, the likes of which had never graced a human mind before. She felt like vomiting—but she hadn't eaten anything in a while, except those two slices of pizza she ate. Did that make her look fat? Gods, she hoped not. "Who… Where am I?" Shepard asked groggily. "Is this Valhalla? Where's the feasting hall?" Her eyes fluttered open, just in time to seen Dr. Chakwas leaning over her. The old doctor had made the bad decision to wear a v-neck, so Shepard was getting quite an eyeful. "_DO NOT WANT!_" She screamed, scrambling away. "Who are you, again? Are you Satan?" Dr. Chakwas shrugged, and replied, "I prefer Beelzebub, or Ann Coulter. Whichever name inspires more fear in you." Shepard nodded, and muttered, "Yes, mistress." Chakwas finally stood up straight (thank the pantheon!), and asked, "How are you feeling?" Shepard blinked, then remained silent for a moment, trying to think of a way to describe her feelings. "I feel—actually, I feel better than I usually do when I wake up. At least this time I'm not naked and surrounded by a dozen guys I don't know."

"_EL-OH-EL, DONGS,_" A harsh voice laughed, and Shepard narrowed her eyes and glared at Kaidan. "Excuse me, what the fuck did you thinks you were doing back there, young man?" She asked, wagging her finger at him in a disciplinary manner. Kaidan whimpered and hunched his back. "I was… Um…" He struggled for a satisfactory explanation, one that preferably wouldn't get him beaten up. "I wanted to… get laid? Is that so bad? Can't a guy just—" He stopped himself as he saw Shepard's eyes light up with estrogen/steroid-fueled rage. "_NO. YOU CAN NOT HAS SECKS_," She roared. "At least, not until the end of the game, Kaidy-kins."

Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief, then asked, "So, um… Since I brought you back to the ship and all, does this mean I can has recon armor?" Shepard blinked, and then tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Depends. How many 'z's are you willing to add on to the word 'plz'?" Chakwas, being the crusty bitch that she was, decided to interrupt. "Oh, by the way, Shepard, I detected some abnormal brainwave patterns, and lots of rapid eye movement. Were you dreaming of anything?" Shepard nodded slowly. "I'm… I'm not quite sure what I saw. I think there was a vagina in there, and maybe some synthetics too. Maybe it was some sort of cybernetic gangbang. All I want to know is, what the hell kind of hallucinatory drug was I on? And where can I get more of it?" Kaidan leaped back into the conversation, speaking up. "Well, I was running to the beacon, and I probably activated some sort of security measure—"

"Of course you did!" Shepard scolded. "I'd activate my security measures too, if some strange guy ran towards my vagina screaming about getting laid! Even though it would pretty much just be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway."

Chakwas crossed her arms, and huffed quietly, "Oh, please, Shepard. You wouldn't activate any defensive measures. Besides, we don't even know if that's what set it off. Maybe it was just pissed off that you cock-blocked Kaidan. It doesn't matter know. The beacon self-destructed. I'll have to—"

However, Chakwas was cut off from her incessant rambling as the door to the medical bay opened in a slow and dramatic fashion, revealing Captain Anderson, who seemed to have forgotten to put his pants on. Hey, cut the guy some slack, he's old! Chakwas giggled insanely, before throwing a conveniently placed pair of pants at the Captain. "Not now, Anderson, we're not _alooooone!_" Shepard was lost in thought for a moment, trying to imagine what they were referring to, but was unable to comprehend or fathom the concept of them having sexual relations. Kaidan, however, screamed and ran out of the room. "What was that all about?" Shepard asked cautiously. "L2 implants. He gets painful migraines sometimes," Chakwas explained, "I'll go check up on him, and leave you two to talk alone." And with that, the doctor slithered out of the room, leaving a trail of cobwebs and slime in her wake. Anderson watched her go, and then turned to Shepard. "You know, Shepard, the council is going to blame you for all of this." The red-haired woman was stunned. "W-What? But Kaidan was the one who ran towards, and Saren tried to blow up the spaceport!" Anderson shrugged, and replied, "Yeah, but you're a woman. And women ruin everything." Shepard glared at him, but said nothing, since he was not entirely wrong.

Anderson stared at her, then sighed, "Nonetheless, I believe you. Mostly because I had a bad relationship with Saren a few years back, and I don't trust him now. Not after he got drunk and beat me. I just want you to know, Shepard, I'll be standing behind you when we go on trial against Saren!" Shepard twitched, and asked, "Wait, why will you be standing behind me?"

Anderson shrugged, and nonchalantly replied, "So I can hide behind you when the Council starts yelling and throwing rotten food at us like angry Nascar fans. I can use you as a meat-shield. I'm sure you're familiar with that concept." The woman scoffed, and placed her hands on her hips. "Of course I'm familiar with it, I invented the damn thing! And patented it too. Why do you think they call it the Shepard Shot Shield?" Anderson was quiet for a moment, before moving on, "Now, to catch Saren, we need to prove to the Council that he's guilty! That way, the Council will strip his Spectre status, his clothes, and his dignity. Not that had much to begin with, of course." Shepard blinked, and queried, "So… it's kind of like high school?"

"Precisely. Politics is just an up-scaled version of the clique-vs-clique conflict you'll find in any high school across the galaxy. Now, put your clothes back on, Shepard. Nobody wants to see you naked anymore. It's in your high school yearbook, for Christ's sake!" With a growl, Shepard threw a blunt object at Anderson, herding him out of the room. "You looked in my yearbook? Oh, you better not have touched my diary too!" She let the room, heading straight towards her quarters to make sure that nothing had been moved out of place. As she passed by Kaidan, he called out, "Commander! I'm kinda depressed about Jenkins's death!" Shepard held up a hand, and replied, "Ashley's fault! Jenkins was a good soldier, good soldiers die, blah di blah blah blah!"

Approximately seventeen hours and five cases of beer later, the ASS Normandy screamed into the nebula surrounding the Citadel. Joker hissed, "Shitwaffles!" Then, he used the windshield wipers on the Normandy to clear any of the nebula gas out of the way. "Commander, you probably wanna get up here! See those tax dollars at work!" Shepard blinked curiously, and then replied, "I didn't know they were spending tax dollars on this ship! I thought this was a private venture!" Joker shook his head, and laughed, "What? You don't actually think they spend thirty million credits on a toilet seat, forty million on a hammer, do you?" Shepard rolled her eyes, and muttered, "Fine, I'll be up there in a minute, Joker. And when I get up there, you'd better not be playing with yourself!" Joker did not immediately respond, but she could here his zipper zipping back up even from across the ship. "Ah, shit! I got it caught in the zipper! Fuck, that hurts! Ouchies!" Shepard laughed, taking pleasure from his pain, before skipping out of her quarters and up the stairs. Unfortunately, just as Shepard reached the top step, she tripped and fell backwards down the stairs, in a manner much like a slinky might. "Ooh! Ow! Eek! Aw! Oof! Ech! Aieee! Shitfucks!"

Approximately fifteen minutes later, Shepard finally managed to drag her bruised, beaten body into the control room. "Wha—Where are we now? Are we almost there?" Joker nodded. "Got here just in time, Commander! We're coming up on the Citadel now!" Shepard and Ashley giggled like schoolgirls and ran over to the window, pushing and shoving one another out of the way. "Oooooh!" They cooed at the same time, as the clouds of dust and gas finally cleared, revealing the Citadel in all of its glory. To get through the Citadel, they had to pass through the fleet, a collection of mixed-species ships (namely, the Asari, with a few Turian and Salarian ships as well). "You know what?" Shepard asked, a small smile on her face. "I'm really glad to see something in this universe that isn't just a giant sexual symbol." Then, the flagship of the Asari fleet moved ever so slowly across the window's field of vision. "Dammit! I take that back," She sighed.

After circling around the Citadel for an hour, trying to find a good parking spot, the Normandy was finally cleared for landing. "Alright, everybody, remember where we parked!" Shepard said as she suited up to leave. Kaidan and Ashley, her least favorite people on the ship, accompanied her. After wandering around in circles for while, and going on a bit of a shopping spree (which Kaidan absolutely despised), they finally found their way to the Citadel tower—which Shepard immediately took offense at. "Ugh, gods! Do I even have to make a joke about this thing, really? It's long, tall, white, hard, and I hate it!" Then, she paused, "And yet, I'm strangely attracted to it…" Shaking her head, she made her way into the elevator. The ride upwards was long and boring, with Ashley and Kaidan bickering the entire way. "No, you're wrong, Krogans have four testicles!" Kaidan exclaimed. "No, they have three!" "Four!" "Three! "Four!" "Three!" "Shut up!" Shepard ordered for the entire Citadel tower to hear. They all stared at her curiously, and she grinned sheepishly. "Eheheh… Hey, guys… What be going on in this here server?"

The aliens stared at her for a moment, and then went back to chattering amongst themselves. Shepard was somewhat peeved that she had been ignored in such a rude fashion, but decided not to make _another_ scene about it. She paced up the stairs, just in time to hear the last piece of a dialogue between two Turians. "I'm telling you, I'm on to something here! Saren's got a reputation of snorting coke and dodging the draft! Give me more time! Stall them!" The younger and sexier Turian said. The older one scoffed, "Stall the council? Bitch, please." And with that, the older Turian left the younger one standing on the steps. A single tear rolled down his face, before he turned to stare at Shepard. Her mouth was hanging open, and her tongue was wagging back and forth. "Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian. I was in charge of the C-Sec investigation into Saren," He purred, his hips swinging as he moved towards her. Shepard, with hearts in her eyes, muttered, "I like men who are _in charge_."

"Erm, I mean… You seem like you were on to something?" She corrected, rolling her tongue back up into her mouth. Garrus nodded slowly, and sighed, "I was. But the investigation has obviously been cut short." His mandibles flicked outwards rapidly. "Commander, I hope that you can come see me later… in my office at C-Sec… _alone._" Of course, Shepard was just imagining the "alone" part, a romantic fantasy clouding her vision. As Garrus brushed past her, Shepard reached out and smacked the Turian's ass. "Whoo!" She whooped, waving goodbye at the somewhat startled alien. "Commander, I didn't know you had a thing for aliens, ma'am," Kaidan said, obviously jealous. "Kaidan, I've known you for less than a day, you should already know my fetishes! Stupid." And with that, they continued onwards, walking up the many, many steps that lead to the council. "You think all of these steps are symbolic?" Ashley supposed. "No, I think the Councilors are just assholes who like tiring people out."

Finally, the three of them managed to claw their way up past the last staircase. "Come on! The hearing's already started!" Anderson told them. "How… How did you get up before us?" Shepard panted. "We almost ate Ashley halfway up the stairs." Anderson shrugged, and replied, "I got this cool hoverboard thing, kind of like that one the Green Goblin had. It's pimp. Now, let's go, the council is waiting!" And with that, she was dragged in front of the council. Shepard blinked in confusion at just what she was seeing: An asari, a turian, and a salarian… all playing Dungeons and Dragons. And they all seemed to be very, very intoxicated. "I—**hic**—use my level seventy paladin's laser breath! He's a-chargin' his lazor! He's a-firin' his lazor! _SHOOP DA WHOO_—"

The Asari whined, "Noooo! That's not—**hic**—fair! I said no laser breath at the beginning of the—**hic**—game, remember? No! I'm the Dungeon-master!" And with that said, she began to throw dice at the Turian, who whined and put his arms over his head. Meanwhile, the Salarian munched on the multi-sided dice. "These—**hic**—aren't sugar cubes. What duh eff?" The hologram of Saren was obviously not pleased with the Council. "You're wasting your time! And mine!" The Councilors blinked, before roaring, "Yeah, yeah! Rabble rabble rabble! Shepard, the Council has found no evidence of any wrongdoing on—**hic**—Saren's part!" Shepard blinked, and objected, "But I didn't even get to represent my case!" The Salarian scoffed, and replied, "Your case is based on—hic—the testimony of one bitch-ass dockworker! Shiiit! Don't even—**hic**—try bringing that kind of shit into _this_ courtroom! Besides, you don't even have an attorney-at-lol to represent you!" The three Councilors simultaneously snapped their fingers in a z-formation, and said in unison, "Don't go there, girlfriend!" Saren crossed his arms, and laughed maniacally. "Lawlawlawlawlawl! I'm glad to see that I can continue screwing with every organic being the universe!" Shepard raised his fist, and roared, "Fuck you! Fuck you and your fucking demon magic!" Anderson spoke up, "Oh, right! That dream! I blame Saren's demon magick!" Saren began to roll on the floor in laughter, laughing his ass off. "Roffle-luhmao! Roffle-luhmao! This meeting has no purpose! I'm blocking you guys forever!" And with that, the hologram disappeared, and the council meeting was adjourned.

"Well… What do we do now, Brain?" Ashley asked.

"The same thing we do every night, dumbass! Try to get some hot Turian tail!" Shepard pulled off her clothes, stripping down completely naked. "To C-Sec! _Awaaaaaay!_" She laughed insanely, sprinting through the tower. Kaidan and Ashley stared at one another, not quite sure what to make of this. Finally, Kaiden sighed, "You follow her, make sure she doesn't get into trouble, or eat any small children. I'm going to the Consort to get _laid_."

"Yodel-yodel-lay-hee-hooooo!" Shepard yodeled obnoxiously, pushing through the crowds as she made her way towards C-Sec. A crowd followed her, with much gasping and yelling and whooping.


	4. Jailbait Quarians

Author's Note: And now, to respond to the lovely comments my reviewers left for me. XD

Case Dawgz: Indeed, there are. The only thing worse than seeing an eyeful of Chakwas is catching Anderson without his pants on. Ewww.

Shoemy89: Well, that was the desired effect. Yeah, MOAR Arby 'n' the Chief is l33t ftw. XD I've already got an idea about how to refer to the roflknife. SLICE SLICE SLICE.

Sarcasm Turtle: Yeah, my brother made me put that in there. He's a big fan of KOTOR, and of Star Wars in general, so he's pestering me to make some more references to it. Yeah, Fox News is pretty sucky. I laughed when I saw the title of the program: "SEXXXBOX?" Lol, now I call my 360 my SECKSBAWKS. And in response to your review on my other story, thank you. :3 I'm thinking of writing a GarrusxLiara. I know, say _whaaaaaaaat?_ But I've got a good idea for it.

Disclaimer (since I think I forgot to put in the last chapter. Oopsies!): I do not own Mass Effect, or any of the characters in Mass Effect. Such things belong to Bioware. Bioware is a god. sacrifices a lamb to Bioware Ooh-Ee-Ooh-Ah-Ah, Ting-Tang-Walla-Walla-Bing-Bang! Also, Haddaway owns the song _What is Love_. And Tom Jones owns the song _Sex Bomb_.

People screamed and ran in each and every direction, as panic gripped the crowds in the Presidium. Nobody was quite sure what he or she was running from, but since everybody wanted to fit in, they ran anyway. Except for the volus, of course. They're fat, so they had to waddle. And the hanar just… floated, I guess. You know, we never see the hanar moving, do we? Do they like… blow air out their ass, or something? I guess we'll never find out, Bioware. "What is that?!" One of the diplomats screamed, pointing at it. "I saw it, it's alieheheha!" Another screamed. "Wait, what are you saying? Are you saying it's alive, or it's a lion?" The diplomat. The man screamed, "It's a… Fucking fuck, man, Jesus… It's a _biiiiig_ bitch!" A few of the other diplomats caught on to the joke, and realized it was that movie with the horrible camera angles that made you dizzy and want to throw up.

"Raaaaawr! Garry-Barry! Must have hot interspecies secks!" Shepard roared, foaming at the mouth as she sprinted through the crowd. She pushed an Elcor out of the way, who was silent for five whole minutes before saying, "Startled question, what the fuck was that?" Shepard looked around, trying to find her precious Garrus in the midst of the running crowd. "I _smell_ you, _boy!_" She roared, her lust for Garrus _transforming_ (see what I did there, Shoemy?) into a bloodthirsty rage. Grabbing a small child from the crowd, she lifted up to her mouth and tore the poor child's head off—but it was a Salarian child, and probably would have died anyway, so nobody cared. Once she was finished, she tossed aside the dehydrated remains of the Salarian into the lake, and looked around for another victim. There! A hanar, preaching to the running crowd that only the Enkindlers—whatever the hell that meant—could save them, and only for the low price of four payments of 19.99! "Televangelism?! In _my_ Presidium?!" Shepard hissed, taking a very dramatic flying leap towards the floating jellyfish.

The hanar did not even have time to pray to the Enkindlers before Shepard was upon it. "Om nom nom! Calamari: it are delicious!" The naked woman exclaimed, opening her mouth wide and taking a bite out of the hanar's body. With one bite, the hanar's… head? Body? I'm not quite sure. Anyway, the top half of the thing was in her mouth, while the tentacles wiggled and flopped around as they hung from her lips. However, the sound of a loud and confident voice tore her attention from the hanar she was devouring. "Yo, she-bitch!" Shepard hissed at such a rude and offensive nickname, and then turned around slowly to glare at the one who had called her that. It was a turian—but unfortunately, it was not Garrus. This angered Shepard greatly, and she narrowed her eyes at the sight of him pulling out his taser. "Let's dance!" The turian exclaimed. Shepard paused, taking a moment to slurp up the hanar's remaining tentacles like some sort of jellyfish spaghetti, and then bared her teeth—which were, of course, covered in hanar jelly. "Three… Two… One… _Fight!_" A deep announcer's voice said. Unfortunately for the Alliance soldier, the turian got the first move. "I'm'ah firin' mah tazuh!" He exclaimed, gathering energy from the air around in order to fire his taser. "Oh, shit," Shepard breathed, backing away from the turian, who began to advance towards her threateningly. "Oh, shit!" She felt something at her back, and turned to see that she had backed into the railing—the only thing separating her from the lake. Turning back to the turian, she held her hands up. "Don't taze me, bro!" She cried. "Don't taze me!" However, the C-Sec officer was not phased by her cries and pleas, and with a loud zap, the pronged end of his taser sunk into Shepard's flesh.

"Owww!" Shepard screamed, clutching her stomach as the volts of electricity ran through her. "Curses! My plan to get laid has been foiled _again!_" She stumbled backwards, which proved to be a bad decision, as she rolled over the barrier and into the lake. "Gaaaah! Cold water is coooold!" She shivered. "Why did you taze me?!" The turian peered over the barrier at her, and scoffed, "I am _not_ unreasonable! You are free to run around naked as _soon_ as you get a nakedness permit!" And with that, the turian activated the taser again, shocking Shepard while she was in the water. As you can imagine, it was not a pleasant experience for the woman. "Ahhhhh! _Mommy!_" Shepard whined, flailing and pretending to drown in the waist deep water. Eventually, she was pulled from the water and arrested, sent to the one place she had wanted to go all along: Citadel Security. However, rather than having a very sexy encounter with her Garr-Bear, she was having a very _un_sexy encounter with her cellmate, a rather bitchy asari who was too busy "practicing meditation" to even bother talking with the human. "Fucking battle meditation…" She muttered, glaring at the asari as she brought up memories of one of Shepard's past lives.

Meanwhile, Ashley was at the desk of one of the people guarding the cells. "So… What do I have to do to bail Shepard out?" She asked curiously, glancing at the still-naked woman in her cell. "Well…" The human C-Sec guard said, "We'll take either three million credits, or some sort of lewd sexual favor!" Shepard blinked, and looked up. "Sexual favor? You mean that's all I have to do to get out of here?! By Odin, why didn't somebody tell me that earlier? I could have been out of here hours ago!" The C-Sec guard scoffed, "You've only been in there thirty minutes!" Shepard snarled, and pointed back at the asari. "Well, this _bitch_ makes it feel like it's been five hours!" The asari muttered underneath her breath, "No, you." Soon enough, after a lewd sexual act was preformed (in front of a live studio audience), Shepard was allowed out of her cell. In one of her more intelligent moments, Ashley had been considerate enough to bring Shepard's clothes to her, which was a welcome relief, because it was very chilly in the wards and she hoped that nobody would notice. (You saw what I did there, right?)

Glancing around as she exited the cells and wandered through the main lobby of C-Sec, Shepard did a double take at the sight of a krogan surrounded by a group of C-Sec officers. Listening to the conversation between them, Shepard immediately deduced that whoever this krogan was, he was a pretty badass guy. "Hm…" Shepard mumbled, staring curiously at the krogan. When the C-Sec officers had left, Shepard made an immediate bee-line towards him, with Ashley in tow. "Oh, haiz!" Shepard said, waving at the krogan. "So, I think you're a pretty cool guy. You mouth off to C-Sec officers and aren't afraid of anything. I was wondering if you'd like to join my super-duper club?" The krogan stared at her skeptically for a moment, then his eyes widened as he recognized the woman. "You… You're Shepard, aren't you? The one who butchered her entire unit by using them as flesh shields against thresher maws, right?" Shepard nodded, and the krogan ran his fingers along his chin, contemplating whether to join or not to join. "Hm… Okay. I'll join. The name's Wrex, in case you're wondering. But before we do anything, I'm going to kill Fist. You can help me, or you can let me do it alone, but you can't stop me."

Shepard had hearts in her eyes by now. "You are _so_ badass," She remarked. Wrex shrugged. "I know. It comes with being a krogan," He remarked. Ashley tapped Shepard on her shoulder, yanking her out of her daydream. "Commander, are you sure we want an alien on the—" Shepard spun around, fire in her eyes, and roared, "Shut up, xenophobe, or it's the reeducation camps for you! Now… Speaking of aliens, we need to go find Garry-Barry." Wrex snorted. "The turian? Last I heard, he was in the med clinic, getting a _prostate exam_." "Yeah, that's my Garry-Barry, always making sure he's in tip-top shape," Shepard sighed. "By the way, where's Kaidan?" "Getting laid." "Ohhhh."

After a long trip up the stairs and out of C-Sec, they finally arrived at the door of the med-bay. They could hear loud, feminine grunting inside, coupled with a deep male voice ordering her to do… _something._ Shepard, realizing there was a potential human-turian sex scene behind the door, immediately burst inside with the intent to make it a threesome. "Hey, guys! What be going on in this secks scene?" Shepard exclaimed loudly, before noticing that it was not a sex scene, but in fact a hostage situation. Still kind of sexy, but not what Shepard had in mind. "Who are you?!" The hostage taker yelled, pulling his gun away from Dr. Michel's head to aim it at Shepard. Suddenly, a challenger appeared! Garrus revealed himself by leaping from his hiding place in a very sexy fashion, and popping a cap in the man's head. Chloe screamed and hid behind a crate as a shootout occurred. It was awesome, mostly because Shepard got to see Wrex use his biotic mind powers. Finally, when all was said and done, Shepard asked, "Who were those guys, anyway?" Chloe lifted her head, and replied, "Fist's thugs! They tried to kill me!" "Why would they try that, Doctor?" Garrus asked, ignoring Shepard, who was rabidly humping his leg. "A few days ago, a quarian came in here, needing treatment. She had a cap popped in her ass, and I think she might have been raped too, but she wouldn't say who did it. However, she did say that she had some valuable information for the Shadow Broker, so I set her up with Fist as a middle man." Wrex scoffed. "That was a stupid plan. Have you been living under a rock? Fist betrayed the Shadow Broker for Saren." "No way!" Chloe exclaimed. Garrus lifted a finger, and said, "We need to get to Fist, now. We'll _extract_ the location of the quarian from him… through his _asshole_, if need be."

And with that, Wrex and Garrus ran out of the clinic, with Shepard tagging along behind. Ashley was left behind—but that's okay, because she's not important. "Quick! To the public transportation system! Awaaay!" Garrus exclaimed, sticking his thumb to hail a cab. Crawling inside of the cramped car, there was an awkward silence for a moment; then, Wrex muttered, "Let's see what's on the radio." Twisting the knob, Haddaway's _What is Love _began to play. _"What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more! Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!" _The three squad members immediately began bobbing their heads back and forth, until they eventually got too dizzy, and Garrus had to lean out of the car's window to vomit.

The car finally came to a stop near Chora's Den, and the three of them stumbled out, quite dizzy after too much head bobbing. "Ugh… Let's just get this over with so I can get paid," Wrex muttered, pulling out his uber-shotgun. Garrus nodded and pulled out his level-67 war hammer, which had a fire augmentation for +5 damage. Shepard pulled out her tiny pistol, and then let out her war cry: "_Spooooooon!_" And with that, the three of them rushed inside the bar, shooting up everything and anything that moved. "We're closed!" The bartender said, before Wrex slammed him into a wall with his biotic powers. A few minutes later, the three of them smashed into Fist's office, and engaged in yet another epic battle—this time, against Fist and two automated turrets (which kind of looked like ducks, if you looked closely enough). However, the last turret soon fell with a loud _quack_, and Fist was left cowering on the floor like a small child might. Shepard wanted to eat him immediately, and Wrex wanted to fill him with lead, but Garrus held them back. "No! We must… _interrogate_ him as to the location of the quarian. Stand aside; I have experience in these matters.

Garrus took a step forward, and Fist held his hands up in front of his face. "The cocaine underneath my bed isn't mine, I swear!" The turian backhanded him across the face, and yelled, "I don't remember asking you a _goddamn_ thing!" Fist whimpered lightly, and Garrus asked, "Now, what does the quarian look like?" The man blinked, and then asked, "…What?" He promptly received a slap across the face for his idiocy. "What planet you from, huh?" Garrus asked, narrowing his eyes. "W-What?" Another slap. "_'What'_ don't sound like any planet I ever heard of! They speak Basic in _What?_" Fist shrugged feebly, and repeated, "What—" "Basic, motherfucker, do you _speak_ it?" The man protected himself again as Garrus lifted his fist threateningly. "Yes!" "Then you know what I'm saying?" "Y-Yes…" Garrus took a step forward. "Alright, then! Describe what the quarian _looks_ like!" "…W-What—" Garrus stomped his foot. "Say what again! Say _what_ again! I dare ya, I double dare ya, motherfucker! Say _what_ one more goddamn time!" Fist lifted his hand to protect himself again. "She's… She's short!" "Go on!" "She's… got chicken legs—" Garrus crossed his arms at this slightly offensive remark, and kicked Fist in the side with one of his own chicken legs. "Does she look like a bitch?" Fist groaned, "What?!" At this, Garrus practically exploded, a fire burning in his eyes as he pulled out his pistol and popped a cap in the man's knee. "Aaaaaaagh!" Garrus repeated himself over the man's sounds of pain. "Does—she—look—like—a bitch?!" "Noooo!" Fist screamed in reply. "Then why you trying to fuck her over like a bitch, Fist?" Garrus demanded. "I didn't!" Fist pleaded. "Oh, yes you did! Yes you _did_, Fist! You tried to fuck with a quarian. And quarians don't like to be fucked by anybody except turians." Fist was quiet for a moment; then, he asked, "What?"

At this point, Wrex took this as a cue to shoot him. "Enough! Just tell us where the quarian is!" Fist laid out the details in between sobs and whimpers, and a devilish smile crossed Wrex's face. "Good. Thank you." And with that, he pulled the trigger on his shotgun—once, twice, three times in a row. "Thanks a lot, you jerk!" Fist said, before an awesome death gurgle escaped his lips. Wrex and Garrus shared a nod, before turning to Shepard. Apparently, all of the awesomeness and badassery had been too much for the human woman, and she was now on the floor, convulsing in what could best be described as an awesomegasm. "You guys are so fucking hardcore!" She screamed. Garrus rolled his eyes, and replied, "We don't have time for this! We have to go find that quarian!"

Meanwhile, Tali'Zorah nar Rayya waited nervously in an alleyway, which was bathed in dark red light. Suddenly, from the shadows, three figures appeared. The one in front was obviously a turian, who had done a really bad job on trying to paint his face like a skull. The other two were likely salarians, but with their armor on, it was difficult to tell. "Where's Fist?" Tali asked innocently, as the turian advanced on her all _sexy_-like. "Fist isn't here…" He hissed, a taloned hand running down Tali's visor. "Why not… just give us the information? We'll pass it on to him…" His hand moved along her neck, closer to her chest. "Hey! If somebody tries to touch me in a place or in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, that's _no_ good!" She said, slapping his hand away and beating him over the head with a purse. "That's my purse, I don't know yoooou!" The salarians turned around, and noticed the crap getting beaten out of the turian. They lifted their guns, only to be knocked away as Tali threw the purse at them—in reality, a highly explosive hand grenade.

Suddenly, Wrex, Garrus, and Shepard ran in, guns blazing. Wrex roared, "I cast magic missile!" as he slammed one of the salarians into the wall repeatedly. "I'm in your base, killing your dudes!" Shepard laughed, randomly shooting up at the ceiling. Eventually, the shots managed to ricochet and fall down onto the turian and salarians, killing them instantly. Tali let out a quiet huff, and snarled, "I know how to take care of myself, capitalist pig-dogs! Not that I don't appreciate the help. My name is Tali. Tali'Zorah--." Shepard narrowed her eyes at the "pig-dog" remark, and grabbed Tali's wrist. "You're coming with us, young lady! You're in a lot of trouble!" As she was dragged away, the quarian laughed, "Ohohoho! Is funny because I am only being seventeen, and therefore legally a child, ohohoho!" Garrus, meanwhile, poked the dead bodies like a toddler might poke an anthill, until Shepard called, "Dammit, Garrus! Get your fine ass over here and in this car!" The car was, of course, very cramped—and Shepard had to sit on Garrus's lap. Garrus was not pleased, but Shepard was obviously very enthused to be on top of Garrus. "Oh, Garrus, your rifle is so _big!_" Tali laughed obnoxiously, "Ohohoho! Is funny because she made a penile insinuation about his weapon! Ohohoho! Ohhh…"

Soon enough, they arrived at Ambassador Udina's office. Ambassador Udina was frantically running around the room, screaming, "Oh-em-gee, oh-em-gee! They shot up Chora's Den! Now where will I get drunk?!" Shepard rolled her eyes, and replied, "That's not important! Right now, we've got to get this quarian to the council! She's got her own demon magic that we can use against Saren!" Meanwhile, Garrus was staring straight at Tali, his mouth hanging open as he drooled. "By the gods, look at those chicken legs…" He muttered underneath his breath, eying the jailbait quarian up and down. Chicken legs were considered highly erotic amongst his people. A song began to play in the background of his mind… _"Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb! You can give it to me when I need to come along! Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb! And baby, you can turn me on!"_ Everything seemed to slow down as Garrus finally worked up the courage to sprint towards Tali in slow motion, his arms open wide with the intent to surprise-sex the quarian. Tali, being completely oblivious, glanced at the corner of the ambassador's officee and asked, "Ooooh! What's that? It's shiny, I want it!" As she ran over to it, Garrus blinked, before realizing that he was now on a crash course towards Shepard, who had her arms open wide as well. "_Nooooo! Nooo, nooo, nooooo!_" He cried, ducking out of the way. "_Sheeeeee'll kiiiiill uuuuus aaaaaall!_" He said in slow motion, as he stumbled and lost control, falling off the balcony of the ambassador's office and into the water.

Immediately, Shepard lifted a sign that ranked how well Garrus had dived into the water. "Ten!" She exclaimed. Wrex lifted up a sign as well. "Nine." Finally, Udina lifted up his own sign. "Four!" Shepard glared at him, and a moment later, Udina was thrown off the balcony and into the water as well. "Ah! Cold water is _cold!_"

Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed the Pulp Fiction reference. XD


	5. The Great Journey

Author's Note: And, as always, time to reply to the reviews I've gotten!

Seezemaru: Oh, stop it; you're making me blush! Teehee!

Case Dawgz: Indeed. When in doubt, fall back on popular culture. XD And yeah, Army of Darkness is an awesome movie. KLATU, BARADA, NIK-- …Necktie! Nectar! Noodle!

Shoemy89: I'm glad you saw what I did there. :3 Yeah, Garrus seemed a little crazy, I know—but that's just his interrogation style. And the fact that I wanted to put in a Pulp Fiction reference, and Garrus just seemed like the best person to use. Of course, Shepard or Wrex could have worked just as well…

Parle: If you're speaking about the first chapter exclusively, with the dialogue between Anderson, Udina, and Bisho—I mean Hackett, you've got a valid point. The dialogue is _difficult_ to follow. However, this was my first chapter, and I was eager to put it up on the interwebs. The other chapters are much easier to follow, in terms of dialogue. Nonetheless, thank you for your constructive criticism. I'll be sure to keep that issue in mind while writing any future chapters. If there are any other issues that need to be brought to light, please feel free to tell me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect or any of its characters. Bioware does. Also, Queen owns _Princes of the Universe_.

Dragging both Garrus and Udina out of the chilly Presidium lake water was a difficult task, as both of them were unresponsive and practically frozen from hypothermia. "S-So c-cold…" Garrus muttered, his mandibles shaking as he shivered within the confines of a warm blanket. Udina chattered, "I th-think I p-pissed myself." At once, everybody in the room scrambled to get away from Udina. "Ewwww!" Everybody exclaimed at once. "Anyways, we don't have time for this!" Anderson said dramatically, taking charge like he should have done the first time they entered the room. "We need to deliver this information to the council!" He added. Shepard rolled her eyes and sighed, "Ugh! What am I, a fucking mailman? I'm not climbing those fucking stairs again! So, so _fuck_ you! Fuck _you_ and your _fucking_ stairs—" "Um, Shepard," Garrus muttered, still shaking slightly.

"You could have just taken the elevator—" Shepard interrupted the C-Sec officer with a loud scream. "You've got to be _fucking_ kidding me! Only old people take elevators!" Grabbing her cane, Shepard shuffled out of the room. "I swear to Odin, if it wasn't for my fucking Alzheimer's, I would… Wait, what?" Anderson watched her as she left, then turned to the rest. "What drug is she on now?" He asked. Tali replied, "A mixture of cyanide and alcohol." Anderson raised his eyebrow. "Won't that… _kill_ her?" Tali shrugged, and sighed, "Maybe. Maybe not. I like taking a gamble." Garrus shuffled closer to her. "Ah, a woman who knows how to take a risk," He purred. "I like that." Tali shrugged. "No, I'm just a gambling addict. Hey, as soon as this council meeting is over, can we go to Flux? I've got some money I need to gamble away!"

After nearly an hour on the incredibly slow elevator, they finally reached the top of the tower. "Come on, it's just starting!" Anderson said. Shepard looked at him in disbelief. "Holy fucking shitfucks! How the hell did you get up here?! Weren't you just on the elevator with us?" She asked, pointing at him. "You used demon magic, didn't you?" Anderson shrugged, and pulled out his handheld portal device. "Nope, just made a portal," He replied nonchalantly. Shepard crossed her arms over her chest, and grumbled, "It's times like this I wish I was Spider-Woman…" Then, she clutched her head as she had another flashback to a past life. "Whoa… Fucking Tony Stark…"

Eventually, they stood in front of the council. Shepard leaned over the edge of the platform, and let out a low whistle, before spitting and seeing how far the glob fell. "That's a really big fall. Shouldn't they have, like, a railing in front of us or something?" Garrus shrugged. "No, it's okay, if you try to run off the edge, the game just keeps you on the platform." Shepard rolled her eyes, and sighed, "Score one for Bioware!" However, the group went quiet as they realized the Council had completely ignored their arrival, and was in fact playing a game of Monopoly—or rather, starting one.

"Okay, I get the car!" The turian exclaimed, snatching up the tiny metal automobile for himself. "In that case, I get the Scottie Dog!" The salarian giggled, wrapping his fingers around the tin canine. The asari let out a dismayed whine, and asked, "Why do you guys always get the cool ones? I'm always left with either the top hat or the iron! Why can't I ever get the car?" The turian scoffed, "Because you're a woman, and women can't drive." "NICE!" The salarian gasped, reaching over to give the turian a high-five. The asari blinked, and then remarked, "But… I'm gender-neutral. The definition of woman does not apply to me." The turian raised a non-existent eyebrow, and asked, "So… You're a she-male, then?" He quickly found himself the subject of a harsh glare. "Did you even _read_ the Codex?" The asari hissed. Shrugging lightly, the turian replied, "Not really. I kind of just played through that part of the game."

Anderson cleared his throat, and the Councilors twitched, before glaring at the group. "Oh. It's _you_," The asari muttered, obvious distaste in her voice. "What do you want _now?_" The turian sighed, pushing the tiny Monopoly piece around in circles. "Is this about Saren's supposed demon magic?" The salarian queried. Shepard shook her head, and replied, "No! This time, we have our own demon magic!" Turning to the right, she pointed at Tali. "Quarian! Invoke the rituals!" Tali nodded, and drew a pentagram on the ground, before going into a long-winded chant. "_U-mo-gway-gway-vie-zhe-zao! U-mo-gway-gway-vie-zhe-zao! U-mo-gway-gway-vie-zhe-zao!_" A dark cloud appeared, obscuring the high-vaulted ceiling of the Citadel tower. "_Bah-weep-granah-weep-ninni-bong!_" Tali finished, raising her hands above her head and convulsing in a terrible seizure. A deep, demonic voice grumbled, "Do you speak of Saren Arterius, the spectre? Or Saren Arterius, the pretzel-maker?" Shepard spoke up: "The spectre! We'll give the pretzel-maker what he deserves when the time is right…"

There was a slight pause; then, the clouds above them swirled to reveal a single red light that pulsed with every sound it made. "Eden Prime was a major epic win! The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the condiment—I mean Conduit!" Saren's slightly distorted voice boomed. Then, another voice added quietly, "And one step closer to the return of the Reaper—" Saren's voice interrupted her. "Bitch, did I say you could talk? I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing, you—" The recording cut off, and the clouds suddenly disappeared as Tali got to her feet. "Aww. That was getting really good, I wanted to hear what happened," The asari councilor muttered. The turian councilor's mouth hung open in disbelief. "That's Saren, alright. Calling asari mean names is one of his favorite past-times."

There was an awkward pause between the Councilors; then, the salarian brought up a question. "So… What should we do? Obviously, we can't just let this guy run around _not_ killing the people we _want_ him to kill." Shepard raised her hand, and asked, "Teacher? I has an idea—" The turian councilor cut her off. "Don't bring that shit into my council!" "Send your fleet in! We can glass any world that he lands on—and even some that he hasn't, like the turian homeworld! Those guys are bastards…" Udina muttered, not realizing that a very offended turian C-Sec officer was standing next to him. With a light push from his taloned hand, Garrus sent Udina off of the balcony and into the glass far below. "Bitch!" He exclaimed, spitting on Udina's motionless body.

Shepard smiled at Garrus, before turning back to the Council. "As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted," She said, glaring at the turian councilor, "You should make me a Spectre. If you do, I'll perform lewd sexual acts on all three of you… _at once_." The salarian slapped the table, and squeaked, "I put forth the notion that Shepard should be a Spectre _right now!_" The turian councilor held up his hand, and giggled, "I second that motion!" There was a slight pause as the two male councilors waited for their she-male companion to offer her insight. When she did not, they stared at her. "…What?" She asked them, as she noticed she was being stared at. "It has to be a unanimous vote," The salarian muttered. With a sigh, the asari finally gave in. "Alright! But these sexual acts had better be really sexy, and we had better be able to videotape them!"

Shepard hopped up and down like a giddy schoolgirl. "Hooray, hooray, _hooraaaaay! _I can do what I want!" The salarian nodded. "Now, if that other voice was Matriarch Benezia, we need you to go scrounge up some information on her. First of all…"

A few hours later, Shepard had roughly kicked Anderson out from his own ship, and now had complete control. "Joker! Play some Chamillionaire!" She ordered. "How about I play an artist that doesn't suck?" Joker replied. "That works too!" Shepard exclaimed. She was too giddy about being a Spectre to even notice that Joker had just insulted Chamillionaire. Meanwhile, the speakers played, _"Here we are! Born to the kings, we're the princes of the universe! Here we belong! Fighting to survive in a war with the darkest powers! Hey!"_ Shepard glared at Joker, and asked, "I thought you were going to play an artist that doesn't suck?" Joker stared at Shepard as if she had just told a story about how she had eaten a baby. "This is Queen! This is a _classic!_ I used to listen to this back as a sickly kid in flight school!"

Shepard sighed, "Fine, whatever, but I need to say my dramatic and epic speech. So, if you wouldn't mind, please?" Joker rolled his eyes, and paused the song, handing Shepard the mike. "Don't mess this up, or it'll be all over the news. We're live in three… two… one… _FIGHT!_" Shepard cleared her throat, and said, "Saren knows we're coming! And he probably has an army of Geth, waiting for the opportunity to brutally rape and murder us! But I ask you… _Do you damn apes want to live forever?_" One crewmember yelled, "It's preferable to dying alone!" Shepard sighed, then continued, "I know that some of you are asking, 'Why me?' I know that you're frightened, and probably clinging to one another like traumatized toddlers. But, as the good Reverend once said…" Clearing her throat, Shepard began to use her best Jesse Jackson interpretation. "_Why we're on this particularly mission, we may never know! But I do know—here today—that, the black knights—will emerge—victorious!_" Joker looked up at Shepard, and smiled, "Amen, Reverend!"

Shepard nodded, and then continued, "As one kick-ass Sergeant said, I love the Corps! Every meal is a banquet, every paycheck a fortune! And I'm happy to have a crew full of _absolute_ _badasses!_" She breathed slightly, her voice getting tired out from all of the talking. "Anything else you wanna say, Commander?" Joker asked. "Yeah…" Shepard muttered, "Men, we lead those dumb bots out to the middle of nowhere to keep them from their getting their filthy claws out onto any more of our colonies! But now, they've found something so hot they're _scrambling_ over eachother to get it! Well, I don't care if it's the Gods' own vibrator or a giant space station capable of destroying a planet! We're not gonna let 'em have it! What we will let them have is our laughter as he pull their skulls away from their spines and toss 'em away laughing!" She paused for dramatic effect, then roared, "Am I _right_, Marines?"

There was a light muttering of, "Yeah, yeah, if you say so, Commander, sure, whatever…" Shepard nodded. "Good! Now, Joker, get this ship out of this bitch-ass Citadel! It smells like testosterone and leftover pizza." With a whoop on Joker's part, the ship shot out of the Citadel—and soon after, the shitty dust-filled nebula that surrounded it. Satisfied with Joker's piloting skills, Shepard walked to the aft end of the command bridge. "How was your vacation to the re-education facilities, Pressley?" She asked the man, who had an eerie grin plastered on his face. "Wonderful, Commander!" He said through gritted teeth. "I just love all of these new arrivals to our ship! The diversity makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!" Shepard giggled, oblivious to the navigation officer's creepy nature. "Yeah, I feel the same way, Pressley…" She sighed. After placing a course to Therum on the Galaxy Map (which apparently involved going halfway around the galaxy, rather than just going in a straight line), Shepard made her way down to the lower level of the ship and stepped in the elevator.

Approximately eleven hours later, the elevator came to a shuddering stop at the cargo bay of the ship. "Huh, what?" Shepard asked, pushing herself up as she realized he had fallen asleep. "Oh…" Getting to her feet and brushing herself off, she looked around for anything interesting. Garrus was currently fixing the Mako up for the drop onto Therum, and Wrex was standing by the wall, looking badass. Shepard smiled, and creeped towards Garrus, who was bending over in order to carefully scrutinize a piece of machinery that had come loose during the repair. "Huh…" He muttered thoughtfully to himself, completely unaware of the human that was sneaking up behind him like a sexual predator would sneak up on its sexual prey. Suddenly, Shepard reached out and got a firm hold on the turian's ass. Well, if the turian had much of an ass to begin with. "What duh eff?!" Garrus exclaimed, glancing over his shoulder at Shepard. The Spectre giggled and gave him a farewell squeeze before looking for somebody else to annoy—I mean, interact with.

Garrus blinked, then retreated underneath the Mako like a frightened cat. Meanwhile, Shepard happily skipped towards Wrex. "You look really badass today!" She exclaimed. Wrex shrugged all badass-like. "Whatever." Shepard giggled, and asked, "So, I heard the turians tried to wipe you out? What was that like?" Wrex narrowed his reptilian eyes, and growled, "Not exactly the highlight of our history."

Garrus blinked, then retreated underneath the Mako like a frightened cat. Meanwhile, Shepard happily skipped towards Wrex. "You look really badass today!" She exclaimed. Wrex shrugged all badass-like. "Whatever." Shepard giggled, and asked, "So, I heard the turians tried to wipe you out? What was that like?" Wrex narrowed his reptilian eyes, and growled, "Not exactly the highlight of our history." Shepard took a moment to cycle through her dialogue options: _"I feel bad for you"_, _"Krogans die, it's the nature of things"_, or _"Don't worry, you'll pay them back"_. She chose the last option, and Wrex smiled slightly. "Thanks, Shepard. By the way, did you know I have four testicles?"

Shepard smiled. "Four testicles? That's two times the fun!" And with that, she skipped off towards the only person left in the cargo bay: Ash-hole. She was currently being bombarded by questions from Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, the resident quarian. "Do you want to see some magic?" She asked Ashley, who scoffed, "No! I don't wanna see your communist mind-tricks!" For a moment, Tali was quiet; then, she asked, "What kind of shotgun are you holding?" Ashley breathed a sigh of relief, glad to talk about shooting things. "It's a Katana IV. Very powerful. I've upgraded it to use not-so-legal chemical rounds," She explained.

Tali tilted her head. "Really? Because it kind of looks like a teddy bear to me? Do you have a teddy bear?" Ashley scowled and snarled, "No, I don't have a teddy bear! What are you talki—" She looked down at the object she was holding, and let out a shriek as she found that the shotgun had been replaced by a teddy bear. "Oh-em-eff-gee! What the hell did you do?! Bring back Mister Shottykins, right now!" She ordered, throwing the teddy bear at Tali, who caught it with ease. "What are you talking about, Ashley? Your shotgun is in your locker," She sighed, pointing at it. Ashley spun around—and indeed, there was her shotgun, sitting snugly in her locker. However, it was wrapped in pink ribbon, and covered with glitter and tinsel.

"Look what you did to Mister Shottykins!" Ashley screeched, cradling the gun and crying uncontrollably. Tali laughed in a villainous fashion, "Haha! Now look what I have done to your petty capitalist by-product weapon! Now, I am off to my lair, to plan more attacks against your pitiful capitalist economy!" And with that, Tali turned to leave, but was stopped by Shepard. There was an awkward silence; then, Shepard muttered, "You made Ashley, a member of my crew, cry… That makes you really badass. You're definitely part of the club now." Tali practically beamed behind her visor. "I'm glad to be part of your collective, Shepard!" Shepard nodded, and said, "I'm promoting you to Colonel!" Tali blinked, and asked, "But… why?"

"Because you have chicken legs, _Colonel Sanders._" Tali let out an offended squawk, and ran away, clucking to herself.

_Author's Note: The Spider-Woman reference was to one of Jennifer Hale's previous voice acting roles. She was Spider-Woman back in the old Iron Man animated series, from 1994 or so. Just so you know. :3_


	6. Combat Drop

Author's Note: Sorry for the somewhat late chapter. On Saturday, I went to the see _The Incredible Hulk_ (an enjoyable movie, but if you're expecting something like _Iron Man_, you'll be disappointed). And yesterday, I just felt too lazy to write the next chapter. D: Sorry for the delay, here it is.

Perle: DX God, I feel so dim-witted now. I see what you're saying. Sort of like AugistinianFrog's style of writing in Mass Ethics, right? In that case, I'll try to write like that, but forgive me if this chapter reads awkwardly. I'll probably get better writing like that with time.

Jharoz: Well, thank you very much. :3 Keep reading and reviewing!

Case Dawgz: Haha, yeah. Expect a definite _Aliens_ reference in this chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect, or any of the characters within. Bioware owns Mass Effect, _Ridin' Dirty_ belongs to Chamillionaire, and _You Are A Pirate _belongs to… Lazytown? And _Soccer Practice_ belongs to Gay Pimp.

"Commander, we're all set and prepped for the drop," Joker said over the intercom, his annoying voice echoing throughout the entire ship. "I'm circling around the planet now, but I don't think there's any roads for you to land on…" He muttered.

Commander Shepard glanced up at the ceiling, and smirked. "Roads?" She asked in disbelief. "Where we're going, we don't need _roads…_" She moved over to her locker, and pulled out a rubber chicken. "Dammit, Tali! Give me back my assault rifle!" She ordered, looking around for the quarian.

There was a short pause; then, Tali rose up from behind the table, holding the assault rifle above her head. "Here's what I think of your silly capitalist assault rifle!" She laughed maniacally, bringing the assault rifle down over her knee in an attempt to break it in two. That did not work out quite as well as the quarian had wanted. "Owww! My knee!" Tali whined, falling to the ground and clutching her bruised leg.

Shepard moved over swiftly, and plucked the rifle from the place it had fallen. "Don't touch my shit, Tali," She warned, shaking her finger at the quarian.

"Nngh…" Tali whimpered, but nodded slowly, knowing that to mess with Shepard was a death wish.

Shepard smiled, and muttered, "Good. Now, get off the ground. We're ready for the drop, and I'm taking you with me." Her hand took a hold of the back of Tali's neck, and with a small grunt of effort, the Commander dragged the quarian into the elevator—which, of course, took an eternity to reach the cargo bay. "Garrus! Suit up! We're leaving!"

Garrus looked up in surprise, the tool in his hand dropping to the floor. He blinked, and then objected, "But the Mako isn't ready yet! I haven't even finished installing the spinners! And don't get me started on this thing's sound system—"

"I don't care, Garry! I want you in this Funvee, _now!_" Shepard told him, crawling into the Mako and pulling a struggling quarian in with her. "Ugh, this thing is so cramped! Couldn't we have made it a little more… roomy?" She asked.

Garrus, who was now slipping into the Mako himself, replied, "It's not cramped, it's a compact! Besides, it gets thirty miles to the gallon, and I'd like to see you find another vehicle with that kind of gas mileage!"

Shepard took a seat in the back, while Tali awkwardly crawled into the driver's seat, and Garrus took a seat in the gunner's chair—that obviously wasn't made for a turian his size.

"Alright! We're gonna go down there, we're gonna get some, we gonna conquer! Is that understood?" Shepard asked. There was a crazed look in her eyes, much like the kind you would see in some crazy old hermit that lived out in the middle of nowhere.

Garrus and Tali exchanged nervous glances and replied, "Not really!"

The voice of their crippled pilot crackled over the Mako's radio. "Standby, ten seconds…" He muttered almost inaudibly. "Standby to initiate release sequencer…" They could all hear Joker's nervous sigh. "On my mark. Five…"

"We're on an express elevator to hell!" Shepard exclaimed, laughing maniacally while the other two occupants of the Mako stared at her with obvious concern in their eyes for their Commander's mental health.

"Three… Two… One… Mark," Joker said. And with that, his fist slammed against the button that would open the cargo bay doors. The doors opened, revealing the surface of Therum below them. A suddenly outwards rush of air pulled the Mako out of the cargo bay, and out into the open air.

"_Whoooo-hoo!_" Shepard laughed as the squad of three was jostled back and forth inside their tiny combat vehicle. The sound of the air rushing outside them was practically defeaning, and the Commander had to yell to make herself heard. "Hey, Tali!" She laughed.

Tali twitched nervously, and then slowly turned in her seat to stare at Shepard. "Y-Yeah?"

A maniacal grin crossed Shepard's face, and she asked, "How many drops is this for you, _Colonel Sanders?_"

The quarian paused, as if trying to think of the best way to answer the question. "Thirty-eight," She replied, but then quietly added, "Simulated."

Despite Tali's hopes, Shepard heard the last part loud and clear. "How many _combat_ drops?" She asked, a serious expression now plastered over her once-jovial grin.

Tali let out a slight whimper, and then admitted, "Three… Including this one." She seemed ashamed of it, and for good reason.

"For the love of Odin!" Shepard exclaimed. "I should have taken Wrex…" She turned over to stare at the turian in their midst…

Who had somehow fallen asleep during the combat drop. It would have been more adorable, except for the fact that he was drooling all over the floor. In his sleep, Garrus muttered, "I got a bad feeling about this drop…"

Shepard smacked him over the head, waking him up. "Boy, you always got a bad feeling about every single thing we do!" She snarled, before imitating Garrus's voice. "_I got a bad feeling about this drop! I got a bad feeling about this drug charge! I got a bad feeling about killing these hostages! I got a bad feeling about raping this prostitute!_"

Garrus blinked, and asked, "Wait, we raped somebody?"

Shepard shrugged. "No. Not yet, anyways…" However, before anything else could be said, the Mako suddenly slammed and screeched to a stop.

"We're planetside!"

Shepard rolled her eyes, and asked, "No, _really?_ I thought we just landed on the back of something that likes to state the obvious just as much as you do!"

Tali blinked, not understanding what Shepard meant, before she shrugged lightly. "Anyways, let's see what's on the radio then, shall we?" Her fingers tapped lightly against the control panel, but the best thing she could find was static. "Erm… I guess not, then?"

"I know what we can do!" Shepard exclaimed, bouncing up and down with a wide grin on her face. She opened her mouth, and then began to sing in a voice that would even make Lindsey Lohan cringe. "_They see me rollin'! They hatin'! Patrollin' and tryin' to catch me riding dirty!_" It sounded like the kind of thing you would hear on an elevator ride to hell.

Far away, a pair of Geth patrolled the scorched surface of Therum, walking perilously close to the edge of a river of flowing lava. However, they tilted their flashlight-heads at the sound of distant screaming and singing. The Geth on the right shuddered, and turned to its counterpart. "What was that, Antonio?"

Antonio looked up to the sky, and muttered, "That was the sound of ultimate suffering."

Garrus and Tali both whimpered and whined, not exactly enjoying Shepard's performance. "Stop it!"

Shepard shrugged, then asked, "Well… How about this, then?" She took a deep breath, then roared, "Do what you want 'cuz a pirate is free, you are a pirate!"

Garrus and Tali both chorused, "_Yarr-har, fiddle-dee-dee! Being a pirate is so great to be! Do you want 'cuz a pirate is free, you are a pirate!_"

Shepard laughed, and slightly adjusted the eyepatch that had spontaneously appeared over her left eye. "You are a _pirate!_"

Of course, the Mako was still in drive, and had been creeping along at a pace of five miles an hour. However, by some strange sort of luck, they avoided all of the lava flows. The only thing in their way was a Geth armature. "Hey! Hey, you guys! I'm patrollin', and I can tell that you're ridin' dirty!" The armature said. "Stop right there, or I'll taze you—"It w as cut off as it was sideswiped by the Mako, and pushed into a lava pit, where the machine was devoured by an angry lava monster.

Garrus was leaning out of the passenger-side window, his mouth hanging open and his tongue (wait, do turians even have tongues?) shaking as the air rushed through his mouth. "Hey, Tali, I think you hit something!" He yelled, glancing into the lava pit.

"Really?" The quarian asked, beginning to ease off on the gas.

"No, no, ignore it. Nobody will know it was us…" Shepard advised, reaching up and pulling Garrus back into the Mako. "Hey, Garrus, is it cool if I take a picture with you?" She asked, hearts in her eyes.

Garrus blinked, then hesitantly muttered, "Uh… Sure." He leaned in towards Shepard, much closer than he wanted to be, and flinched as she wrapped an arm around him and used her free hand to pull out her camera. "I'd better not see this on your MySpace!" Garrus said, and then slapped Shepard's hand as she lifted it. "Please, no gang signs!"

Shepard was dismayed. "Aww…"

After a moment, Garrus shrugged. "Naw, I'm kidding, throw it up."

Shepard let out a happy squeal that nearly blew out Garrus's eardrums, and threw the gang sign back up. The camera beeped once, and then flashed brightly.

"Ouch! My eyes!" Squeaked the turian, as he covered his sensitive eyes with his palms. It was at this point that the Mako suddenly screeched to a stop just a foot in front of a pile of scrap metal, shaking up the inhabitants of the vehicle. "Ugh…" Garrus muttered, looking around. "Shepard…?"

He heard a small giggle, and looked down to see Shepard's face _accidentally_ buried in his crotch. With an irritated grunt, he lifted the human's head away from his lap. "Don't do that. _Ever_."

Shepard smiled, oblivious to Garrus's irritation. "_Hey dude, I was thinkin' we could go do… Somethin' dirty!_"

Garrus responded by slapping Shepard across the face. "Pervert!" And with that, the turian and the quarian crawled out of the rover.

"Stop lookin' at my ass!" Tali told Garrus.

"Sorry, _sorry_…"

A moment later, Shepard crawled out of the Mako, brushing herself off and wiping away tears that were falling from her eyes as a result of Garrus's harsh rejection. However, she was distracted from her woe as her gaze fell upon the large pile of scrap that the Mako had embedded itself in. "What the hell? Who just puts a big pile of scrap in the middle of nowhere?" She asked.

"Geth, that's who," Tali muttered.

"Oh. Yeah, I see your point," Shepard muttered.

And with that, the three of them turned and headed into a narrow mountain pass, where they were promptly ambushed and buttraped by a trio of Geth stalkers. "It's not rape if it's in the butt!" One of the Geth Stalkers screamed as it leaped on top of Commander Shepard and penetrated her. "Besides, they were asking for it!"

However, the Geth stalkers eventually moved on, leaving the three lying on the ground and shaking. Finally, Shepard pushed herself up and muttered, "Rape is never funny."

"Unless it's in the butt," Garrus added quietly, only to have Tali's purse smack into the back of his head. "Ouch! Okay, okay, it's not funny! Ugh…" Rubbing the back of his head, Garrus asked Shepard, "So… What now, then?"

Shepard narrowed her eyes, and hissed, "We find the Geth. And we rape them right back."

"Sounds like a plan!"

Author's Note: Sorry if this chapter seems a little short. I'm kind of busy at the moment, and I just wanted to wrap this chapter up.


End file.
